So there is no more him.  He has made the choice to not be my friend anymore.  It's something I must respect.  I still do not understand why God brings people into our lives only to know that we will make some terrible choices.  I never meant to hurt him so impurely nor do it to myself.  I was thinking...how is it that I lost focus of what I wanted?  Something pure, from God, a great friend.  But I had to go and taint it.  I didn't want that.  I didn't want to be weak myself.  I can't keep going back and thinking about how I had wanted it.  But now I must focus on how it's going to be.

appreciation always for the little things ("Nothing is trivial" - Brandon Lee, The Crow)

activity in the great outdoors

open-mind to new things & communicate frustrations when can't do it (ski trip)

COMMUNICATE EVERYTHING, LEAVE GOD OUT OF NOTHING!

Remember the BEAUTY in things and how they have come from above

Do not dig too much in this life for we are meant for something bigger after

COMMUNICATION IN GENERAL

Recognize when goals are met, even the smallest thing for it is a big accomplishment

Create Laughter

Always have fun!

Cultured

Educated

PRAY!  Pray with each other and for each other & for others.

Stay CHILL

Make those mistakes but LEARN from them

FORGIVE (especially yourself)

LOVE DEEPER

Be Unselfish

Never Let Go!  Hold on Tighter so that they will always know.

Say "I LOVE YOU" every moment and show it.

......More to come....

Dunno but gonna LET GO.  Now is the time to LIVE.  I miss the HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE that I've had once and will pray more and just go with the flow.  Life is too short.  Witness to my grandparents' lives is one thing that tells me that.  I still wish to make them as proud as ever of me.  How?  I have to pray for direction.

I will be strong enough again.  And my strength will be HIS and to help others as well as him.  Thanks for this life Lord.  Sorry I've been careless.  No more, I'll try.

Confused still...unsure at what I may be saying...Lost 100% but FREEDOM is what I seek.

one big mess

How I was humbled the other night by my mother.  How stupid I am in forgetting my own struggles just to impress another.  I had hard nights of studying and crying and hours of school time.  I pushed my way through school with the encouragement and hopes of those (mom and my Grandparents) who didn't go to college.  So why would I toss that aside for show?  HUMBLE me Lord.  Thanks for allowing Mom to humble me.  How disappointed I am in myself.  What am I doing in my life right now?  What am I doing it for?  Whom am I doing it for?  Whom should I be doing it for?

Times come and passed again.  Bobby and I reunited only to lose one another a month later.  Maybe it was inevitable to happen.  But I wish not to lose all of him.  It will seem to be all in vain otherwise.  I seek a friend.  He always said I was his best friend.  But to tell the truth at the end of our relationship I felt like an outsider and not treated like a friend.  It made me push him away.  Push, Push, Push when I had hoped the pushing would have him fight for me.  Oh how I live then learn.  Even now I feel I've been slapped in the face with him dating after 3 months of a break up from a relationship of firsts of 1 year 7 months - - almost 2 years.  And then exclusive 4 months after.  Needy issues?  Rebound?  Only he knows.  But still I want to be a friend and in his llife.  Am I being a fool?

FOOLISH BRIANNA with  her big heart that gets trappled on over and over again.  The ONE person I never would have imagined the proposterous idea of him trappling on, breaking, disregarding as crap, in the end treated it as so.  Will he appreciate that I'm taking 2 of my 5 vacation days to see his graduationS.  I am so proud of him and his decision to fight so I and others can be free (army).  But still, am I being foolish to try to be a friend now?  Does he appreciate my effort?  Doubt that he understands how strong I am trying to be.  Here's something though:

One must understand that "love may be a source of pain."  Because "To truely love someone is to always put their feelings before your own."

I try to believe that God put this person in my life for a reason.  And that he's still to be a part of it.  But then again I haven't been the best daughter to God either.  What do I know?

Why am I constantly seeking pain and abuse?  Constantly following people that offer empty promises.  JPC wants to find out about me again.  But the scars him and JTC left are fading and I wish not to reopen the scar with new scratches.  Which brings on a thought...Am I still scratching at the wound of my recent lost relationship?  Maybe partially.  But I do want to remain friends.  He's one of the funnest people that I know.  With or without him in my life I have to say I will be praying for him.  Because I can't imagine Heaven without his goofy self.  I'd like to see you in Heaven when that day comes.  I don't want to laugh without you there (if I'm allowed in too that is).

        ??? - one big mess -

I am ever so uncertain on what I want as usual.  Life’s at a very uncertain and confused state for me.  I am just doing work life currently.  I’ve realized I have no friends.  I’ve been broken  up for almost two weeks, and no word from anyone about to first see how life is and then to find out about my non existent relationship now.  People SUCK!!!!  I’ve always reached out to my friends and am still ever hurt and ignored.  Wow.  I really shouldn’t say that: “Wow.”  I really shouldn’t be surprised since that is how life has always been for me.  I’ve never had just one ture friend where we really click on everything.  I am very happy, don’t wish to say envious, but long for a friendship that my little sister Chica has with her best, Kara aka Chica #2.  Granted that I’ll assume it’s not always so close or actually I can’t say their true circumstances, but they’ve been friends since 5^th or 6^th grade.  And Chica went through her tough stages with friends in elementary, so with that said, I am VERY happy for her friendship and wish her such happiness in all of her relationships.

I have not been wearing the promise ring he gave me on the right finger.  First off, when I received it X-mas, I was the one that had to ask if it was just that.  It’s like it’s never been discussed on anything we do, well we did and had become.  And that is also one that that had also helped in causing some confusion for me.  But I don’t really have feeling on it either.  Why not?  Because I suck too.  I wish I could just simply BE.  You might wonder what does that mean.  Can’t help you there.  But I long to just be.  Be a sane ME.  To trust myself all over again.

I wish I could as Bobby had told me once: “Let it go.”  It really helped when he’d repeat that to me.  Let all of the sh*t that’s happened to me go.

I also miss talking to him and would like to call him maybe.   But then again every phone conversation we ever had were terrible.

Currently Listening Rent (2005 Movie Soundtrack) By Rosario Dawson, Wilson Jermaine Heredia, Taye Diggs, Idina Menzel, Adam Pascal, Jesse L. Martin, Anthony Rapp, Tracie Thoms Another Day see related

So.  Found out a break up can offer one a good week of weight loss.  Of course could have gone the other way.  Anyhow, I’ve definitely ruined the best thing I ever had.  Let it go.  But it was also due to time.  Timing was so off.  And in the past I had such strength I think.  I think I really did.  Because when he said “I think we’ve met late.”  I said: “We just met early.”  Leaving hope.  Didn’t think I would cry much over it.  But there were tears and yells came out too…Oddly.  It showed me how much I did Love Him.  And I knew how I now have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.  But a cry to God – There was none.   I really have lost myself.  I even went farther and pushed him out of my life.  Evil I felt and pushed in hopes that he’ll move on and forget all about me.  Even when he cried - - I felt nothing and didn’t cry with him on our Wednesday conversation.  Got him to hang up on me.  I am evil.

I wish never to feel such happiness again.  I never want to love him or another in that way.  Or now, Saturday, do I?  Being near my mom again brought back some feeling to this ice-cold snake I’ve been persistent on becoming.  I even thought of trying to skip Christmas this year with the fam.  Have I really chosen to leave God and what he is all around – LOVE?  Must have.  How?  It’s been all me.

I’m sick of having people who claim friendship and love and would rather be alone.  Would seem to save me some drama too.  I could go and drink my martinis and wine by myself.  Make enough money that cab fare is no prob.  Eat (when I feel like it) at restaurants by myself.  Still maintain a good work relationship with my company.  But do it simply by myself – on my own.

I wish my grandparents were still around.  I know there is much on life I could still learn.  Although still, bet they’d be disappointed in me and my thoughts on life now.  You’d think I’d be different because of what’s been done with them in their lives and my twin’s.  How they’ve suffered and still try to live so happy.  I still need all of them in my life.  I will never forgive myself for missing my grandpa’s last Christmas.  I HATE MYSELF for that.  All for staying to spend more time with a boyfriend I am no longer with.  How “F-d” up I was for doing that.

I hate everything I’ve done in my life.  The way I’ve done things.  The relationships I emphasized on that never mattered.  The people I chose over the well-being of myself and my family.

Currently Listening My December By Kelly Clarkson Sober see related